bleak!

i remember that the little, yet lovely backyard

in my parents’ home in tehran

was located in a way that

spring was earlier than the most parts of that monster town

and so was the fall.

and…fall, when it was its turn to fall,

it was always accompanied by a cool breeze,

longer shadows,

and redder, yet lingering sunsets, and a different moon,

a lonelier moon

… and this feeling of a sudden fear in me:

the picture of an unknown darkness of early evenings

full of goings and comings of people

in the hustle and bustle of a big town,

surrounding a loneliness, my only possession,

and a feeling of

being not but a stranger.

… the dance of dry leaves with the wind and dust in the air,

the rush of people seeking shelter

from a sudden thunderstorm

…

all these images and weird unknown fears

have repeated every year

in fall,

every year

in me

since my childhood;

…and today

the coolish weather

of this big island

at this time of year:

the chilly breeze

and the autumn-like sunshine

brought me back

to the same,

all the same fears

and feelings

and images.

i’m sure

i have dreamt of many of the events of my life,

once in my childhood,

or even before being born…

… and these images and fears of fall

are now

part of my life!!!

i might be better off

getting

prepared now

for other images

and feelings

in me

to come true…!

but how fearful and strange they are!

                                                            July-23-04. anita

**********
sorry that's a bit out-dated, but in rooza neveshtanam nemiyad, i mean i'm very busy... and a bit dizzy...why?!? i dunno... 

Tess forgave her husband

for the “false” affair he had

before they met

and hadn’t told her about…,

but when she told him of her own

“false” imposed relation with her far cousin

and their dead son,

he didn’t forgive her

he felt different for her:

she wasn’t a child of nature for him any more,

but belonging to her cousin as her natural husband;

she was now

not but “the belated seedling of an effete aristocracy”

to him!

yes,

women

are

not forgivable by men

but

men are too pitiable perhaps

not to be un-forgiven

by women!

but Thomas Hardy lived in the 19^th century of England

and so did Tess,

a character

in one of his novels.

we live in the 21^st century of the Middle East

now

and still suffer from superstitions and attitudes

like that

and many more

way worse!                                           

Alas!                                          23-july-04   ainp

to dear p:

nobody’s home!!

she feels like that.

this is her month,

a ‘leo’ month.

she doesn’t like to be reminded of it

but

she knows

it is there

all the time

every year

.

a proud girl

who fears

to end up having her pride

gets

tattered,

stained

and shattered…!!

who is looking after her dignity

like a fragile crystal ball.

a good-hearted

and an honest

yet brave and knowledgeable

person;

enjoying sophisticated ideas, yet being very open-minded,
a great friend also,

a treasure,

“who is lost …

in her thoughts”, “who is not but a loser, a weird one, though”,

what she calls herself,

which I’m asked not to judge about!

this is her month

.

happy her month!                                   24-july-04

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

excuse my boldness but…

i wonder what sexual pleasure

the fishes get

if the males

have to just fertilize the egg cells

that are already

spread by the females!!?

aren’t we the result of

a some-second ignorance of a sexual pleasure

of our parents?!!!?

… or tell me if the definition of

sexual intercourse among fishes

is different

from that of

some other species

then… i guess i wish i was a fish!

                                                10 –july-2004  ainp